Scarlett here with a new edition of “Cat’s Got a Tongue.”
It’s been awhile. The Boarder has denied me access to the email machine this winter for some reason. Says I’m too cynical – I told him I’m a cat, for goodness’ sake, it’s in the genes. The whole world has gotten way too sensitive.
My first observation is that it’s been a long winter. Hopefully it’s nearly over. The last few days, the Boarder has opened the windows, and I’ve been able to sit in the windowsill and get some fresh air. Soon I hope the screen doors will go in, and we can get some nice cross-ventilation.
I don’t think the average boarder realizes that it’s 10-15 degrees colder at cat-level than normal room temperature in the winter. At least my home has fireplaces and accessible sunbeams. When I complain about the temperature, my Boarder reminds me that he “rescued” me from the great outdoors and I have to acknowledge the point, although who rescued who is debatable. More about floor temperature later.
The oddest development over the winter months was back around the Christmas season. It started out normally enough, with the Boarder and his friend Joanne (she comes for sleepovers sometimes and we have great fun) putting up the tree. While it doesn’t thrill me like it used to – I haven’t climbed it in several years – I still like to lie under it and snooze. Brings back childhood memories when I used to swat ornaments, particularly of the tinkling sound the glass ones made when I was able to really connect and knock one off a higher branch on to the hardwood floor.
But there was a weird turn this past season. Apparently, the Boarder became addicted to something on his iPad which led him to purchase anything and everything that had to do with cats. Especially if these “treasures” were under $30 and cheaply made and of little or no use or attraction.
First, he replaced the red laser pointer – we have had them before, and I admit that at one time they were fun. I used to go up and down the stairs and on a circuit through the house chasing the red dot or the smiley face for five to 10 minutes. I eventually grew too sophisticated for that sort of thing, particularly when I realized I couldn’t kill the smiley face when I caught it. I do give my best effort though when the grand kids come.
I will occasionally do a couple of laps for the Boarder since he got us the new one – I think in his simple mind he is entertained. He acts like he’s doing it for me, keeps my hunting instincts sharp he says – says it’s like Jimmy Buffett sings in “The Great Filling Station Holdup” about shoplifting, “You never know when those hard times when will come again” so “you don’t want to lose your touch.” Whatever.
But these “finds” got weirder and weirder. At first, they were what the online geniuses market as cat toys. Feathers and bells or other paraphernalia on strings or fishing poles that the Boarder hung on doorknobs or from stairway railings or dangled in front of me. Not worth my time or energy. Does he think I’m still nine months old?
He then moved on from the ridiculous to the sublime. Apparently, the “cookies” led him away from kitten toys to items for “mature cats.” The first one was a set of “elevated food bowls,” despite the fact that the Boarder’s daughter Laura, an accomplished veterinarian, told him these things were totally worthless. Advertised to help cats from throwing up after we eat! Doesn’t work – first, we are cats, so we throw up when and where we darn well please. Plus, we tend to eat fast so we can get on with the rest of our lives – sleeping and tearing up upholstered furniture.
Then he got a rubber mat with tiny openings to catch the litter after I use my box. Another bizarre and deceptive trick to let the online thieves take the Boarder’s money. He said the “interweb” said “750 purchased this past month.” I told him there could not be that many stupid people in the world. But he bought one, size “large,” and laid it in front of my box where I normally step out. I now carefully exit from the side of my box and avoid touching the nasty thing all together.
Perhaps the most ridiculous “gift” he got me was a set of little cloth pads with ridges that are marketed as “keeping your cat warm in the winter, they’ll love them”. Apparently, some recognition that it’s cold down here. Absurd product though. An obvious trick. The Boarder proudly laid one in the front hall and another on the bedroom floor and stood back to watch me “love them.” So far, I have fastidiously avoided even stepping on them, much less lying down on one. What did he think they were? Newspapers? Cashmere sweaters?
I did suggest one gift that I thought I might like – one of those mechanized litter boxes that process dirty litter and somehow makes it go away. But apparently, they aren’t under $30.
